My student the vampire

The recent resurgence of vampires in popular culture could be due to the fact that the Twilight books and movies play on gender stereotypes and teen sexuality.  Or maybe vampires are coming into the light, so to speak, because they have found a new way to move undetected among humans and are spending their long-held wealth on media depictions of their own kind.  Given this possibility, it is important to recognize potential vampires among our students so that we can study them sociologically.  I have one student that I suspect could be a vampire, based on the following facts:

• The student reports sleeping very little each night (it is unknown whether this sleep takes place in a coffin)
• The student has a widow’s peak (a classic giveaway)
• The student is relatively pale (and seems to have no interest in tanning)
• The student drinks a red liquid daily (this liquid is in a Code Red Mt. Dew bottle but it is unlikely that the liquid is actually Code Red Mt. Dew because Code Red Mt. Dew is nearly undrinkable)
• The student gets good grades (hard work or the accumulation of centuries of knowledge?)
• The student’s parents are reportedly much older than normal (they are also retired)
• The student’s clothing is slightly anachronistic (a student who’s clothing is too trendy might also be suspicious)

On the other side of the ledger is the fact that vampires are widely thought to be fictional.  I’m taking a wait-and-see approach to this student’s place on the scale ranging from living to undead.  In case the student does turn out to be a vampire I am planning a large-scale vampire survey and ethnography that will redefine my career before forming the Society for the Sociological Study of Vampires (SSSV).